This blog was set up at the request of a child care provider. It is for discussion of behavior and options to manage those behaviors as well as teaching more appropriate behaviors when needed. I will add suggestions as appropriate and will also add new information from time to time. Please sign up to follow the blog and please add your thoughts and suggestions. CR Petersen M.Ed.
Friday, July 26, 2013
DIFFICULT DISCUSSIONS WITH PARENTS - MONEY - BEHAVIOR - DISABILITY + ABUSE AND NEGLECT
At the first few minutes it was much like the first example kinda a distraster. Butbthenmore we practiced it did get better . I did more reflective listening and it was amazing !
They really didn't address the issue - they were concerned for their fathers safety and that someone would hurt him. The older gentlemen kinda avoided it too...
This is very helpful to me I am a provider and there is nothing worse then to know your child has misbehaved and for the first thing you walk in the door and wham that's what you hear. So it has helped me on the way I should approach them and my tone of voice and how to remain calm and positive!
I got a kick out of the comical commercial with the three animals wondering if the bear had a list and yes he did and he ended up on eating two of the three animals . How true this statement is that we can be all confused and not understand each other such as parents and providers -but if we learn to communicate we can void serious issues and know where we both stand . Just the past week this has happened one positive and one negative experience . The negative first - I neede to be somewhere by 5:25 and closing time was approaching I never confirmed when everyone would be picked up I just assumed they would all be gone especially this one child ! He is rarely here passed 5 well this one particular time his mother was running late at work and knew She knew i would be here . Therefore I expected her to be on time - needless to say I was upset and late for my appt a good lesson learned to touch base with each one before hand to make sure they could and would be here before a certain time. We were bith a fault !!! Second example - one particular parent needed to pick her children up later then usual so she contacted me days in advance and cleared it with me before hand I agreed and was able to help her out. It worked perfectly....
I was aware of my pseudo listening and the one I am most guilty of, selective listening. However, I never really considered them a "problem" until I read your added problem of thinking about your response to someone instead of listening to them. I have upset people by doing this but was clueless at how to prevent myself from interrupting. The solutions were simple to remember for when I try to put them into practice Leisa Reeser
I really enjoyed this class on listening. The presenter made me aware of all 3 problems with listening that I have. I've thought back to different situations i'm in and I don't really hear whats being said. When I don't eat I get sick, so that's always on my mind. If I didn't bring a snack with, I'm a mess. If 'm tired there's no hope. I can remember the time when there was a clicking pen, and just today I criticized the speaker and didn't hear another thing he said.
The solutions were great - they are positive tips and skills that will serve in many ares. Since my husband soesn't listen to me I purposely fake listen to him. Now I am going to practice listening to him so I really do hear what he's saying. Sometimes I have to say, "wait, say that again so I get it right" when it comes to details that I missed, haha
I think the video's in the additional information were great. I like the body language tips and would love to learn more about that. I tried to remember what the speakers shared during my daily conversations. It was hard for me to keep a train of thought and watch legs, arms, hands, eyes, smiling, but I find it very interesting. 4 magic phrases are great for communication, something totally new to me. I love Amy Cuddy: your body language shapes who you are. power vs powerless Fake it till you make it is positive self talk. It's an amazing tool and goes hand in hand with making your body take the power position for 2 mins to build confidence.
BKL I learned a lot from this video, I learned that I can be a Selective listener, when I have multiple people talking to me, or I sometimes "fake listen" I know to be aware of when I do this so I can break the cycle and become a better listener.
BKL Our practice at first was a lot like it always is, after I remembered some "Don'ts" it seemed to go better, I remembered to not interrupt with my own personal input and hear them out and acknowledge their personal feelings before my own. More reassuring them I understood their point of view.
BKL After practicing some of the skills, here is what I have found. I tend to send mixed signals when I am communicating with someone, for example I play with my hair out of habit but when I play with it and someone is talking to me I come off uninterested. I have recognized this and stopped doing so I found that people will get more involved in talking to me when I appear more interested on the outside. Also I have learned to clarify things better. When talking about a topic that I am not as familiar with I tried to remember to stand / sit tall and " fake it " and really it works, I learned that most of the time it was only my self doubt that made me feel unconfident, that when I tricked my body into being more confident my brain seemed to remember all the knowledge that I have about the situation and brought it to the front for me to discuss... WHAT A COOL TRICK!! I need to remember that I have learned a lot in a lot of areas and to be more confident in them , and if not FAKE IT TILL I BECOME IT!! Loved this concept. 4 Magic phrases are so nice to have to further along a conversation or to end a bad conversation with someone just having a bad day and wanting to take it out on me :)
Wow, I have found when I am in meeting I do a lot of fake listening. I have always sat in the second row center when attending class but my mind would wonder to other area. I am going to try practicing listening with the three different sentences every other day for a few weeks. I would like to see if I can change my brain in listening.
This video helped a lot for me when it came to pseudo listening and selective listening especially when it comes to my 6 year old. thanks for the info I feel it helped me understand and learn a lot.
I see how effective it can be when you take the time to sit down, be ready and put yourself in eachothers shoes, if its your child or the other parent. I noticed when you show attentiveness and talk incouraging to one another you can realy go a long way. you can learn a lot, and you are not allways the right one. sometimes you may not even understand all together what is going on. but on the other hand I have noticed also while practicing behavior skills sometimes if the other person is not commited to the conversation or wanting to talk at all, all you can do is smile, stay positive and reassure the person you are just trying to communicate for whats in the best intrest. I actually have had to end it at that a few times and let the other person no that when they were ready to talk I would be here waiting. this part of the course was a huge help for me in the way I found out how to better communicate in a healthy manor.
I never realized how much I pseudo listen or "pseudo hear" It seems like if I am not interested in a conversation or topic then I tend to tone it out. Recently a child came up to me and was tattling on another child and told me an elaborate story behind the situation. I found myself pseudo listening and then when she was done with her story I could only remember a few things. I then ended with, "What would you like me to do about it?" and she told me. This time I intently listened and asked her why she wanted me to do that. She again explained her reasoning and it made a lot of since. But if I would have been intently listening from the beginning I could have given her advice along the way or helped give a different perspective to solve the problem. Next time I will really listen and be aware of what she is trying to say.
I read the article "Helping Parents Set Limits and Respond to Misbehavior" by Rajeswari Natrajan with Judith A. Myers-Walls, Ph.D., CFLE. This article had a lot of good ideas why a child misbehaves. While I was reading it, I was particularly thinking of a child in my care who when she is with her dad, has a really good week and doesn't have very many problems; but when she is with her mom that week is hectic! This girl knows that her mom does not follow through with consequences and doesn't really 'care' what her child is doing. This past week, I talked to this parent and she always had an excuse like, "Oh she didn't get to sleep on time" or "I don't have that problem at home" she always stands up for her child and doesn't take it any further when she leaves. On Thursday I talked to her again about a reinforcement plan. She seems to be on board with everything; so hopefully it works! We have a chart for the 'good days' and have positive reinforcements when she reaches so many 'good days' on her chart. We also have a 'Can do better' chart that has consequences on it that she will have to do if she is having a hard time... not necessarily privileges taken away but more of things she can do to think about her actions. Hopefully this will help!
This made me more aware of the types of listening there are, and more importantly the type of listener I am. I am guilty of all three problems from time to time, but the solutions he gave we fantastic! It's important to be prepared when you are going to be talking to someone, especially with parents. It helped me learn how to approach
Sometimes you assume you know what people are trying to tell you and really aren't giving them the chance to say what they feel. It is important to FOCUS on the person and what they are saying.
As with discussing all difficult subjects with parents, when discussing special needs, you need to make sure you have your facts right and be prepared with information to provide the parents. It is important to allow parents to tell you their concerns and talk about what you as their provider can do to help the parents. It's not our jobs to diagnose the child, but we can suggest screenings for parents to take their children to. Like I've said before, this needs to be done delicately, and with love and respect for the parents and child.
Good communicators have a good sense of humor. Good communication is vital to your success. People like people who are good at communicating, as they are more enjoyable to be around. A good communicator always looks for ways to drag information out of people. A good communicator is also aware of their body and how it can communicate the message they are trying to get across, almost better than words can. As I watched these videos, I have thought of how I could use this in my profession. I practice these skills daily as I communicate with parents. As I practiced these skills, I noticed a stronger relationship forming with my parents. They felt comfortable asking me questions and I was comfortable telling them concerns that I had. Parents are also more aware of how your day is going than you sometimes let on, and that is where body language comes into play. It is important to remember this as you greet the parents. Make sure they know that you are happy to be there!
I am realy glad i found this course set online.As I watched the video on listening, I have found that i am really guilty of pseudo-listening and critical listening. i found the professer's insight on these two areas very helpful.I have also realized that i have done both with my conversatoins with my husband when it comes to not just our children,but also our relationship over the past 14 years.I am gonig to start correcting those problem areas with him first so that i will be ready to actually listen to our children when we have custody returned to us. Sheryl G.
I was very interested in how the brain is "tricked" into listening better by how you are sitting, whether slouched back or sitting up facing forward. I always knew it was more respectful, but didn't realize there was a mental connection going on there too.
I can see how this works very well in teaching situations, groups & one on one experiences. I would love to know how to apply this to working with young children where everyone is distracted by everything & everyone wants to say something at the same time. It's hard not to use pseudo listening when you're trying to listen to more than one child at a time or one right after the other. Especially when it may not be the most important thing (although it is to them at the time) I need to hear. I want them to know that I do value what they say, but have them understand I can't process all of it, all of the time.
The video window under Crucial Conversations with Aging Parents says the video isn't available. Has the video been removed on YouTube or is this just a bad link?
In reading about social communication,I recognize that we do many of these things on a daily basis at the daycare I work at. I have a large age range 3-16) & it's sometimes difficult to merge their different skill levels. Tattling is a big thing for the younger kids. I nipped it in the bud by telling them the only way I would listen to the tattle, is if they sing it. Most won't. I encourage that they work things out themselves & use their words.
The video under Money/Crucial Confrontations does not exist.
Having gone through the death of a parent & a divorce, I've had to have many crucial confrontations. They tend to cause turmoil for me beforehand because they are usually not the most pleasant & it involves a lot of emotions from both sides. I try to stick to the rule of being Kind instead of Nice. Being Kind is doing what's best for all involved. Being Nice usually means enabling unwanted or unhealthy behavior; not allowing the other side to face consequences of their actions, they are content and you are frustrated & upset.
Talking to parents about behavior issues or development concerns is never an easy task, but not saying anything may result in missed opportunity to help a child. I've noticed that split homes that don't have consistent rules really do a number on kids. One parent ends up being the fun parent & the other the mean one. In some bitter divorces/custody situations, our suggestions can fall on deaf ears. So we try to be consistent in the rules for our daycare & have appropriate consequences when the rules are broken. Younger kids need reminding about what the rules are more than older ones. We explain why they had to sit in time out or why they missed out on doing a certain activity. Allow them the opportunity to apologize to their friend (if they hurt feelings), suggest they give a hug & suggest a more appropriate behavior for when it happens again.
Discussing development or behavior problems with parents usually starts off by talking to other teachers to see what they notice & get recommendations on what we can give to parents. We always try to focus on the positive, let them know we've noticed things that we are concerned about and want to help with solutions. We like to ask if the parent has noticed similar things at home and have resources available if they need them.
When talking to parents about autism or other concerns, it's hard to know exactly what to say, especially when you don't know how the parents will respond. I think it's important to have a good rapport with them in the first place so it doesn't seem like they are being singled out or attacked.
Of the parent reactions listed, I would add "don't care or too busy to care" to the list. Sometimes concerns are just plain ignored. Some just don't want to deal with it. It's important to make sure the solutions are a team effort and that we want to help in anyway we can.
Listening is HUGE! Getting parent input is invaluable to getting the child the help he or she needs. Listening to the child is just as important, whether it's watching behaviors or trying to understand what they may be communicating.
Each child is different, with a disability or not, and we can tailor the approach to suit them. We are fortunate to have many teachers that have had experience in working with children with autism and it's beneficial to be able to talk about what we're noticing to get feedback from one another.
I've personally been able to work with autistic children using AAT (Animal Assisted therapy)with my golden retriever. I have seen miraculous things happen with kids by introducing a soft, fluffy, listening ear. Maddie brought so many kids out of their shells and allowed them to do things they wouldn't normally do.
Having a checklist to refer to can help, especially when discussing with parents. Having contact information available to them about autism & early intervention can make a discussion productive and help parents know where to start.
In reference to LBCC-Improving listening skills: This video was amazing. I loved that not only he adressed what the problems are, but gave GREAT ways to avoid that in the future.I Loved the " Pretending to be fascinated if you have too" Trick. I have often found that tricking myself into finding something interesting has helped in the past, and its great that he talked about that. I also think its great that he says that just realizing when the problem is happening can help. By becoming aware of my listening problems or triggers if you will, I will know when I need to watch for them!
In reference to the Active Listening Video: After trying out these suggestions, while having a conversation with a family member I noticed a few things. Body language is huge. If you are focusing on something they may have said at the beginning and letting that irritate you, or take your mind down rabbit trails, you miss what their physical body is telling you. And since body language is so huge we really do need to watch that.
In reference to Behavior segment: The topic of children's behavior has always been tough for me with certain parents. Most have always been relatively easy to talk to as long as I went into the conversation with confidence in my information, and am prepared with ideas to help the parents, and ask them what ideas they have. But I found the article about talking to parents with children who are disobeying very helpful. I loved the idea about asking them what they think, and leaving things open ended for them to give me their comments or suggestions. But also being direct about the issue, so that we can find a way to help their child.
One of the articles that I read was titled "9 things to never say to a parent with a special needs child". I have always considered myself a sensitive person to other peoples emotions. But there were several things within the article that I wouldn't have thought would be difficult for the parent to hear. The main one being, "He'll catch up". Because I have never been in the position of being a parent of a special needs child I didn't understand why this would be offensive. The more I read the more I understood. Although sayings like this wouldn't be difficult for a parent of a non special needs child, I can now clearly see why it would to a parent of an autistic child. I will use this information to help me be carful of my words and communicate with parents in a way that will make them comfortable!
The 4 magic phrases to respond to anything: I found that it's really important how you phrase the "That's Interesting, Why" questions. I had one person think I was being confrontational because it came across as judgmental. Thankfully I was able to communicate that I was just trying to understand their point of view. Being non-confrontational helps you to have open & honest communication.
I have had many experiences where trying to understand a small child was just like the video "Does your dog bite". Sometimes you just can't figure out exactly what they're saying. I've found having them show me helps in most cases.
Mistakes we make in our body language: It's interesting how we don't even know we are doing them. I tend to talk with my hands more when I'm nervous, as that also contributes to making oneself small, not making eye contact or not raising your hand high. Making eye contact is really important - especially when talking with parents. We don't want parents to think we aren't being honest or disinterested. I think it would be helpful if we could ask a person we've had a conversation with, if they felt we could improve on our skills or if they felt positive about what we had to say.
Habits take time, self esteem takes practice, change is gradual but tiny tweaks produce big changes.
The 4th video doesn't exist. The 6th video is no longer available due to a copyright by Alakazam.
Gestures can be a useful in determining whether someone is telling the truth or not. I've enjoyed watching "Lie to Me" & learning about how body language - even the tiniest twitch can tell how we are feeling. Eye dilate when making a decision. Raising your eyebrow is submissive, so is being the first person to look away. As much as having eye contact is important, being too strong can indicate you are lying. Children are usually easier to spot when they aren't telling the truth. They are usually brutally honest - which I love.
I found the part about where you look very interesting. I remember seeing another program where they mentioned if you look to the left you are usually lying. I didn't realize there are more to the directions that just right or left and direction doesn't necessarily mean you are lying.
LEFT EYE Looking L & Up - Visual Constructing Looking L - Auditory Constructing Looking L & Down - Kinesthetic (how you feel about what you are thinking)
RIGHT EYE Looking R & Up - Visually Remembered Looking R - Auditory Remembered Looking R & Down - Auditory Internal (self talk)
I've trying looking a different way when remembering something & it's hard. We have amazing brains!
For me, making eye contact is the hardest. I am easily distracted. The second part of this video showed me how focus and eye contact make a difference in how specific things are communicated. Practicing helps. I need to make an effort to really focus on who I am speaking with. Meg
When working on how to hold a parent meeting, I realized that I had a hard time starting the conversation. I felt awkward even though I know the parent, the child and have some years of experience. I am getting better at making eye contact and focusing on the parents and the topic. It was good to practice to try out certain phrases and tones. It will depend on the parent(s) and the issue at hand.
I read the article, " What do I say to Parents when I am worried about their child? As a Director, I can see the need to train teachers on communicating with parents. The 6 attributes listed are an excellent guideline to helping with that goal.I am also interested in the assessments that can be done. I believe it gives us more credibility with parents if we have data to show them.
The videos on body language and communication each had useful ideas. I chose to focus this past week on making eye contact while trying to be assertive, and to stop folding my arms! It was one of those stressful weeks, so it was a good time to make my point clear by stating the point of the discussion, explaining why I was saying what I was saying, and using eye contact to let the people know that I was serious. They are used to me hemming and hawing and being rather soft when it comes to decision making. I am easily distracted also. These videos gave me good advice to help me get to the point and not waste time. I also worked on not folding my arms. This is something I do all the time, so it was something I really had to focus on. I think I did okay--I will definitely continue to work on this. I learned a lot about myself & these videos were & will be helpful to me.
I am a mother of four and my oldest son is 6 and he has adhd is he xurrently not on medz but i am struggling to get him to listen he does when he wants things and my younger kids are following behaviors eye contact is great but are their any suggestions as of what i can try besize medz i have talk to his pediatrician as well but he saids its a decision for me its just i hear so many different worries of what the medz will do how can i fix my issue
I know some will disagree with this; but there is good evidence that for many, diet/nutrition can/will make a difference. I will not say that sugar causes ADHD because it does not; but for some it can have an affect on behaviors. So, I recommend avoiding refined sugar and corn syrup. Eat as natural of a diet as possible. Also provide as much structure as possible. Same time for meals every day. Same time to bed. Same time getting up. Decrease distractions in his environment (decrease the number of things that will grab his attention away from what he needs to focus on). When you give him an instruction, gently tough him on the shoulder or arm or gently grasp his shoulder or arm to help him focus on you. Turkey and cheese are good foods to include in his diet. For most I would say to limit those foods, but unless he has a weight problem, let him eat a lot of those items along with whole grains and vegetables and raw fruit (not juice and no canned fruit in syrup). I hope this helps. If you continue to struggle, seek professional help. Some of the resources on the right here may also help: http://www.healthnutritionexercise.net/ and I recommend going through the information on this page: http://www.childdevelopment.me.uk/Child_Behavior.html good luck.
1. my child doesn't want to go to a party there maybe someone she knows will be there that hurts her 2. my child doesn't want to go to the party because she feels like noone is empathising with her feelings and emotions while there 1. try to be more understanding 2. talk it though without yelling empathizing with child 3. listen 4. try to help the child understand why it is important while being open 5. be open 6. help them see how their actions could be hurting other people's feelings my son is autistic so he sometimes can't understand why we have to spend time doing things he doesn't like doing we talk it though and i usually try to help him understand
I know some will disagree with this; but there is good evidence that for many, diet/nutrition can/will make a difference. I will not say that sugar causes glycogen storage disease/ diabetes and other problems because it does not; but for some it can have an affect on behaviors. So, I recommend avoiding refined sugar and corn syrup. Eat as natural of a diet as possible. Also provide as much structure as possible. Same time for meals every day. Same time to bed. Same time getting up. Decrease distractions in his environment (decrease the number of things that will grab his attention away from what he needs to focus on). When you give him an instruction, gently tough him on the shoulder or arm or gently grasp his shoulder or arm to help him focus on you. and video games are horrible for autistic children
It us interesting learning the different problems and the solutions for thm. It is interesting to learn the problems and solutions for listening skills. Interesting to find where i fit in with it all.
I am the Mommy to a teenager, toddler & infant...ALL GIRLS :) Active listening can be hard when each of your children are at different stages in their development. My teenager uses CRITICAL LISTENING, and I hope she did not learn that from me! I am very guilty of pseudo listening and selective listening with my little ones and my Husband. I strive to not only listen to what my children tell me, but react with supportive and positive reinforcement. It is also crucial to be able to "read in between the lines". For example, each time my toddler had a potty accident she would say "Sorry!" and run off to her room. My husband thought it was because she was embarrassed, but as a Mommy, I knew she felt guilty for doing pee pee on the floor. When I went into her room, she threw her arms around me and said, "Mommy, it's MY FAULT. I so sorry!". I snuggled her and assured her that when accidents happen they are NO ONES FAULT. She looked up at me and said, "So I am a GOOD GIRL!?!". That's right my sweet little one, you are a very GOOD GIRL!
The Active Listening Skills were very helpful to break down. Since my girls have such a variance in ages, I need to focus on which listening skills will be most effective for each member of my family. For example, when communicating with my precious Baby Zoey, I struggle with no getting distracted. I also interrupt her too much so that I can correct a word she is saying, which I am learning in this course is not the best approach to active and successful listening. Its important with a teenager that you are not distracted by using a computer or watching TV. Teenagers need EYE CONTACT to build confidence that their opinions matter. Furthermore, teenagers want to know that they have been HEARD & UNDERSTOOD. Paraphrasing her story will assure her that i was listening and she is understood. My Husband on the other hand, can't stand when he's interrupted :)
Crucial Confrontations was a great educational clip, which I learned how to successfully talk to my children about issues that are very difficult. I loved the concept of having a "risky" conversation does NOT mean its going to be a BAD conversation. In fact, if you start with the formula given and truly commit yourself to helping the other person to know you care ABOUT THEM - 97% Chance of a positive outcome. I like those odds! Step 2. Caring about the person's problem, this goes without saying when I am speaking with all three of my children. I do believe my kids know I care about their problems, because I advocate for them when appropriate.
I read an article, "Explaining Overdose to Children". I learned there are many factors to consider. These include the children's ages and how much prior knowledge they have regarding this topic. My teenager finds great support at ALATEEN meetings. My younger two babies will most likely ask some day about the disease of addiction. I really enjoyed the "kid friendly" definition. Describing an invisible disease is much harder than explaining a broken ankle, since the child cannot see the boo-boo's. It's best to tell them it is a disease on the INSIDE of the body, that can make some people think they need more medicine than they actually do.
I enjoyed watching the 4 Magic Phrases to Respond to Anything! When I picked up my daughter from school, I practiced the line..."That's interesting, tell me more". She LOVED it and felt very supported. It also allowed me to pause and keep my emotional regulation in check for whatever she was going to tell me next :) Sometimes our teenagers can throw us curveballs and Ive learned that if we can keep the emotions regulated, you will then be able to explore conflict resolution!
The 10 Body Language Mistakes. Number 4 was 'Enter A Room Tentatively' and number 5 'taking baby steps instead of long, confident strides". I was able to practice this when I recently decided to leave my career in mortgage banking to open Good Harbor Beach Recovery Services. It was dreading going into the office to drop off my home office equipment. I did not want my colleagues to try and talk me into staying in the mortgage biz, as my heart is now set on a new path. I flung open the front office door and took LONG, CONFIDENT STRIDES to my Regional Managers Office. Not one person I feared would give me a hard time did :) I took control of my entire office by simply changing the way I entered. I was empowering and a huge life lesson.
60 comments:
At the first few minutes it was much like the first example kinda a distraster. Butbthenmore we practiced it did get better . I did more reflective listening and it was amazing !
They really didn't address the issue - they were concerned for their fathers safety and that someone would hurt him. The older gentlemen kinda avoided it too...
This is very helpful to me I am a provider and there is nothing worse then to know your child has misbehaved and for the first thing you walk in the door and wham that's what you hear. So it has helped me on the way I should approach them and my tone of voice and how to remain calm and positive!
I got a kick out of the comical commercial with the three animals wondering if the bear had a list and yes he did and he ended up on eating two of the three animals . How true this statement is that we can be all confused and not understand each other such as parents and providers -but if we learn to communicate we can void serious issues and know where we both stand . Just the past week this has happened one positive and one negative experience . The negative first - I neede to be somewhere by 5:25 and closing time was approaching I never confirmed when everyone would be picked up I just assumed they would all be gone especially this one child ! He is rarely here passed 5 well this one particular time his mother was running late at work and knew She knew i would be here . Therefore I expected her to be on time - needless to say I was upset and late for my appt a good lesson learned to touch base with each one before hand to make sure they could and would be here before a certain time. We were bith a fault !!! Second example - one particular parent needed to pick her children up later then usual so she contacted me days in advance and cleared it with me before hand I agreed and was able to help her out. It worked perfectly....
beware of your surondings
to help be more focused
how to better ineract with people
I was aware of my pseudo listening and the one I am most guilty of, selective listening. However, I never really considered them a "problem" until I read your added problem of thinking about your response to someone instead of listening to them. I have upset people by doing this but was clueless at how to prevent myself from interrupting. The solutions were simple to remember for when I try to put them into practice
Leisa Reeser
I really enjoyed this class on listening. The presenter made me aware of all 3 problems with listening that I have. I've thought back to different situations i'm in and I don't really hear whats being said.
When I don't eat I get sick, so that's always on my mind. If I didn't bring a snack with, I'm a mess. If 'm tired there's no hope. I can remember the time when there was a clicking pen, and just today I criticized the speaker and didn't hear another thing he said.
The solutions were great - they are positive tips and skills that will serve in many ares.
Since my husband soesn't listen to me I purposely fake listen to him. Now I am going to practice listening to him so I really do hear what he's saying. Sometimes I have to say, "wait, say that again so I get it right" when it comes to details that I missed, haha
By asking open ended questions is showed my friend I was listening.
There were more comments posted on the 16th - I'm not seeing them
I think the video's in the additional information were great.
I like the body language tips and would love to learn more about that. I tried to remember what the speakers shared during my daily conversations. It was hard for me to keep a train of thought and watch legs, arms, hands, eyes, smiling, but I find it very interesting.
4 magic phrases are great for communication, something totally new to me.
I love Amy Cuddy: your body language shapes who you are.
power vs powerless
Fake it till you make it is positive self talk. It's an amazing tool and goes hand in hand with making your body take the power position for 2 mins to build confidence.
The video was great and helpful to me thankyou
BKL
I learned a lot from this video, I learned that I can be a Selective listener, when I have multiple people talking to me, or I sometimes "fake listen" I know to be aware of when I do this so I can break the cycle and become a better listener.
BKL
Our practice at first was a lot like it always is, after I remembered some "Don'ts" it seemed to go better, I remembered to not interrupt with my own personal input and hear them out and acknowledge their personal feelings before my own. More reassuring them I understood their point of view.
BKL
After practicing some of the skills, here is what I have found.
I tend to send mixed signals when I am communicating with someone, for example I play with my hair out of habit but when I play with it and someone is talking to me I come off uninterested. I have recognized this and stopped doing so I found that people will get more involved in talking to me when I appear more interested on the outside. Also I have learned to clarify things better. When talking about a topic that I am not as familiar with I tried to remember to stand / sit tall and " fake it " and really it works, I learned that most of the time it was only my self doubt that made me feel unconfident, that when I tricked my body into being more confident my brain seemed to remember all the knowledge that I have about the situation and brought it to the front for me to discuss... WHAT A COOL TRICK!! I need to remember that I have learned a lot in a lot of areas and to be more confident in them , and if not FAKE IT TILL I BECOME IT!! Loved this concept. 4 Magic phrases are so nice to have to further along a conversation or to end a bad conversation with someone just having a bad day and wanting to take it out on me :)
Wow, I have found when I am in meeting I do a lot of fake listening. I have always sat in the second row center when attending class but my mind would wonder to other area. I am going to try practicing listening with the three different sentences every other day for a few weeks. I would like to see if I can change my brain in listening.
This video helped a lot for me when it came to pseudo listening and selective listening especially when it comes to my 6 year old. thanks for the info I feel it helped me understand and learn a lot.
I see how effective it can be when you take the time to sit down, be ready and put yourself in eachothers shoes, if its your child or the other parent. I noticed when you show attentiveness and talk incouraging to one another you can realy go a long way. you can learn a lot, and you are not allways the right one. sometimes you may not even understand all together what is going on. but on the other hand I have noticed also while practicing behavior skills sometimes if the other person is not commited to the conversation or wanting to talk at all, all you can do is smile, stay positive and reassure the person you are just trying to communicate for whats in the best intrest. I actually have had to end it at that a few times and let the other person no that when they were ready to talk I would be here waiting. this part of the course was a huge help for me in the way I found out how to better communicate in a healthy manor.
I never realized how much I pseudo listen or "pseudo hear" It seems like if I am not interested in a conversation or topic then I tend to tone it out. Recently a child came up to me and was tattling on another child and told me an elaborate story behind the situation. I found myself pseudo listening and then when she was done with her story I could only remember a few things. I then ended with, "What would you like me to do about it?" and she told me. This time I intently listened and asked her why she wanted me to do that. She again explained her reasoning and it made a lot of since. But if I would have been intently listening from the beginning I could have given her advice along the way or helped give a different perspective to solve the problem. Next time I will really listen and be aware of what she is trying to say.
I read the article "Helping Parents Set Limits and Respond to Misbehavior" by Rajeswari Natrajan with Judith A. Myers-Walls, Ph.D., CFLE. This article had a lot of good ideas why a child misbehaves. While I was reading it, I was particularly thinking of a child in my care who when she is with her dad, has a really good week and doesn't have very many problems; but when she is with her mom that week is hectic! This girl knows that her mom does not follow through with consequences and doesn't really 'care' what her child is doing. This past week, I talked to this parent and she always had an excuse like, "Oh she didn't get to sleep on time" or "I don't have that problem at home" she always stands up for her child and doesn't take it any further when she leaves. On Thursday I talked to her again about a reinforcement plan. She seems to be on board with everything; so hopefully it works! We have a chart for the 'good days' and have positive reinforcements when she reaches so many 'good days' on her chart. We also have a 'Can do better' chart that has consequences on it that she will have to do if she is having a hard time... not necessarily privileges taken away but more of things she can do to think about her actions. Hopefully this will help!
This made me more aware of the types of listening there are, and more importantly the type of listener I am. I am guilty of all three problems from time to time, but the solutions he gave we fantastic! It's important to be prepared when you are going to be talking to someone, especially with parents. It helped me learn how to approach
Sometimes you assume you know what people are trying to tell you and really aren't giving them the chance to say what they feel. It is important to FOCUS on the person and what they are saying.
As with discussing all difficult subjects with parents, when discussing special needs, you need to make sure you have your facts right and be prepared with information to provide the parents. It is important to allow parents to tell you their concerns and talk about what you as their provider can do to help the parents. It's not our jobs to diagnose the child, but we can suggest screenings for parents to take their children to. Like I've said before, this needs to be done delicately, and with love and respect for the parents and child.
Good communicators have a good sense of humor. Good communication is vital to your success. People like people who are good at communicating, as they are more enjoyable to be around. A good communicator always looks for ways to drag information out of people. A good communicator is also aware of their body and how it can communicate the message they are trying to get across, almost better than words can. As I watched these videos, I have thought of how I could use this in my profession. I practice these skills daily as I communicate with parents. As I practiced these skills, I noticed a stronger relationship forming with my parents. They felt comfortable asking me questions and I was comfortable telling them concerns that I had. Parents are also more aware of how your day is going than you sometimes let on, and that is where body language comes into play. It is important to remember this as you greet the parents. Make sure they know that you are happy to be there!
I am realy glad i found this course set online.As I watched the video on listening, I have found that i am really guilty of pseudo-listening and critical listening. i found the professer's insight on these two areas very helpful.I have also realized that i have done both with my conversatoins with my husband when it comes to not just our children,but also our relationship over the past 14 years.I am gonig to start correcting those problem areas with him first so that i will be ready to actually listen to our children when we have custody returned to us.
Sheryl G.
I was very interested in how the brain is "tricked" into listening better by how you are sitting, whether slouched back or sitting up facing forward. I always knew it was more respectful, but didn't realize there was a mental connection going on there too.
I can see how this works very well in teaching situations, groups & one on one experiences. I would love to know how to apply this to working with young children where everyone is distracted by everything & everyone wants to say something at the same time. It's hard not to use pseudo listening when you're trying to listen to more than one child at a time or one right after the other. Especially when it may not be the most important thing (although it is to them at the time) I need to hear. I want them to know that I do value what they say, but have them understand I can't process all of it, all of the time.
The video window under Crucial Conversations with Aging Parents says the video isn't available. Has the video been removed on YouTube or is this just a bad link?
In reading about social communication,I recognize that we do many of these things on a daily basis at the daycare I work at. I have a large age range 3-16) & it's sometimes difficult to merge their different skill levels.
Tattling is a big thing for the younger kids. I nipped it in the bud by telling them the only way I would listen to the tattle, is if they sing it. Most won't. I encourage that they work things out themselves & use their words.
The video under Money/Crucial Confrontations does not exist.
Having gone through the death of a parent & a divorce, I've had to have many crucial confrontations. They tend to cause turmoil for me beforehand because they are usually not the most pleasant & it involves a lot of emotions from both sides. I try to stick to the rule of being Kind instead of Nice. Being Kind is doing what's best for all involved. Being Nice usually means enabling unwanted or unhealthy behavior; not allowing the other side to face consequences of their actions, they are content and you are frustrated & upset.
Talking to parents about behavior issues or development concerns is never an easy task, but not saying anything may result in missed opportunity to help a child.
I've noticed that split homes that don't have consistent rules really do a number on kids. One parent ends up being the fun parent & the other the mean one. In some bitter divorces/custody situations, our suggestions can fall on deaf ears.
So we try to be consistent in the rules for our daycare & have appropriate consequences when the rules are broken. Younger kids need reminding about what the rules are more than older ones. We explain why they had to sit in time out or why they missed out on doing a certain activity. Allow them the opportunity to apologize to their friend (if they hurt feelings), suggest they give a hug & suggest a more appropriate behavior for when it happens again.
Discussing development or behavior problems with parents usually starts off by talking to other teachers to see what they notice & get recommendations on what we can give to parents. We always try to focus on the positive, let them know we've noticed things that we are concerned about and want to help with solutions. We like to ask if the parent has noticed similar things at home and have resources available if they need them.
When talking to parents about autism or other concerns, it's hard to know exactly what to say, especially when you don't know how the parents will respond. I think it's important to have a good rapport with them in the first place so it doesn't seem like they are being singled out or attacked.
Of the parent reactions listed, I would add "don't care or too busy to care" to the list. Sometimes concerns are just plain ignored. Some just don't want to deal with it.
It's important to make sure the solutions are a team effort and that we want to help in anyway we can.
Listening is HUGE! Getting parent input is invaluable to getting the child the help he or she needs. Listening to the child is just as important, whether it's watching behaviors or trying to understand what they may be communicating.
Each child is different, with a disability or not, and we can tailor the approach to suit them.
We are fortunate to have many teachers that have had experience in working with children with autism and it's beneficial to be able to talk about what we're noticing to get feedback from one another.
I've personally been able to work with autistic children using AAT (Animal Assisted therapy)with my golden retriever. I have seen miraculous things happen with kids by introducing a soft, fluffy, listening ear. Maddie brought so many kids out of their shells and allowed them to do things they wouldn't normally do.
Having a checklist to refer to can help, especially when discussing with parents. Having contact information available to them about autism & early intervention can make a discussion productive and help parents know where to start.
In reference to LBCC-Improving listening skills:
This video was amazing. I loved that not only he adressed what the problems are, but gave GREAT ways to avoid that in the future.I Loved the " Pretending to be fascinated if you have too" Trick. I have often found that tricking myself into finding something interesting has helped in the past, and its great that he talked about that. I also think its great that he says that just realizing when the problem is happening can help. By becoming aware of my listening problems or triggers if you will, I will know when I need to watch for them!
In reference to the Active Listening Video:
After trying out these suggestions, while having a conversation with a family member I noticed a few things. Body language is huge. If you are focusing on something they may have said at the beginning and letting that irritate you, or take your mind down rabbit trails, you miss what their physical body is telling you. And since body language is so huge we really do need to watch that.
In reference to Behavior segment:
The topic of children's behavior has always been tough for me with certain parents. Most have always been relatively easy to talk to as long as I went into the conversation with confidence in my information, and am prepared with ideas to help the parents, and ask them what ideas they have. But I found the article about talking to parents with children who are disobeying very helpful. I loved the idea about asking them what they think, and leaving things open ended for them to give me their comments or suggestions. But also being direct about the issue, so that we can find a way to help their child.
In reference to Disability and special needs:
One of the articles that I read was titled "9 things to never say to a parent with a special needs child". I have always considered myself a sensitive person to other peoples emotions. But there were several things within the article that I wouldn't have thought would be difficult for the parent to hear. The main one being, "He'll catch up". Because I have never been in the position of being a parent of a special needs child I didn't understand why this would be offensive. The more I read the more I understood. Although sayings like this wouldn't be difficult for a parent of a non special needs child, I can now clearly see why it would to a parent of an autistic child. I will use this information to help me be carful of my words and communicate with parents in a way that will make them comfortable!
The 4 magic phrases to respond to anything:
I found that it's really important how you phrase the "That's Interesting, Why" questions. I had one person think I was being confrontational because it came across as judgmental. Thankfully I was able to communicate that I was just trying to understand their point of view. Being non-confrontational helps you to have open & honest communication.
I have had many experiences where trying to understand a small child was just like the video "Does your dog bite". Sometimes you just can't figure out exactly what they're saying. I've found having them show me helps in most cases.
Mistakes we make in our body language:
It's interesting how we don't even know we are doing them. I tend to talk with my hands more when I'm nervous, as that also contributes to making oneself small, not making eye contact or not raising your hand high. Making eye contact is really important - especially when talking with parents. We don't want parents to think we aren't being honest or disinterested. I think it would be helpful if we could ask a person we've had a conversation with, if they felt we could improve on our skills or if they felt positive about what we had to say.
Habits take time, self esteem takes practice, change is gradual but tiny tweaks produce big changes.
The 4th video doesn't exist.
The 6th video is no longer available due to a copyright by Alakazam.
Gestures can be a useful in determining whether someone is telling the truth or not. I've enjoyed watching "Lie to Me" & learning about how body language - even the tiniest twitch can tell how we are feeling.
Eye dilate when making a decision. Raising your eyebrow is submissive, so is being the first person to look away.
As much as having eye contact is important, being too strong can indicate you are lying.
Children are usually easier to spot when they aren't telling the truth. They are usually brutally honest - which I love.
I found the part about where you look very interesting. I remember seeing another program where they mentioned if you look to the left you are usually lying. I didn't realize there are more to the directions that just right or left and direction doesn't necessarily mean you are lying.
LEFT EYE
Looking L & Up - Visual Constructing
Looking L - Auditory Constructing
Looking L & Down - Kinesthetic (how you feel about what you are thinking)
RIGHT EYE
Looking R & Up - Visually Remembered
Looking R - Auditory Remembered
Looking R & Down - Auditory Internal (self talk)
I've trying looking a different way when remembering something & it's hard. We have amazing brains!
For me, making eye contact is the hardest. I am easily distracted. The second part of this video showed me how focus and eye contact make a difference in how specific things are communicated. Practicing helps. I need to make an effort to really focus on who I am speaking with.
Meg
When working on how to hold a parent meeting, I realized that I had a hard time starting the conversation. I felt awkward even though I know the parent, the child and have some years of experience. I am getting better at making eye contact and focusing on the parents and the topic. It was good to practice to try out certain phrases and tones. It will depend on the parent(s) and the issue at hand.
I read the article, " What do I say to Parents when I am worried about their child? As a Director, I can see the need to train teachers on communicating with parents. The 6 attributes listed are an excellent guideline to helping with that goal.I am also interested in the assessments that can be done. I believe it gives us more credibility with parents if we have data to show them.
The videos on body language and communication each had useful ideas. I chose to focus this past week on making eye contact while trying to be assertive, and to stop folding my arms!
It was one of those stressful weeks, so it was a good time to make my point clear by stating the point of the discussion, explaining why I was saying what I was saying, and using eye contact to let the people know that I was serious. They are used to me hemming and hawing and being rather soft when it comes to decision making. I am easily distracted also. These videos gave me good advice to help me get to the point and not waste time. I also worked on not folding my arms. This is something I do all the time, so it was something I really had to focus on. I think I did okay--I will definitely continue to work on this. I learned a lot about myself & these videos were & will be helpful to me.
I am a mother of four and my oldest son is 6 and he has adhd is he xurrently not on medz but i am struggling to get him to listen he does when he wants things and my younger kids are following behaviors eye contact is great but are their any suggestions as of what i can try besize medz i have talk to his pediatrician as well but he saids its a decision for me its just i hear so many different worries of what the medz will do how can i fix my issue
Any advice is helpful please and thanks
I know some will disagree with this; but there is good evidence that for many, diet/nutrition can/will make a difference.
I will not say that sugar causes ADHD because it does not; but for some it can have an affect on behaviors. So, I recommend avoiding refined sugar and corn syrup. Eat as natural of a diet as possible.
Also provide as much structure as possible. Same time for meals every day. Same time to bed. Same time getting up. Decrease distractions in his environment (decrease the number of things that will grab his attention away from what he needs to focus on). When you give him an instruction, gently tough him on the shoulder or arm or gently grasp his shoulder or arm to help him focus on you.
Turkey and cheese are good foods to include in his diet. For most I would say to limit those foods, but unless he has a weight problem, let him eat a lot of those items along with whole grains and vegetables and raw fruit (not juice and no canned fruit in syrup). I hope this helps. If you continue to struggle, seek professional help. Some of the resources on the right here may also help: http://www.healthnutritionexercise.net/ and I recommend going through the information on this page: http://www.childdevelopment.me.uk/Child_Behavior.html
good luck.
1. my child doesn't want to go to a party there maybe someone she knows will be there that hurts her
2. my child doesn't want to go to the party because she feels like noone is empathising with her feelings and emotions while there
1. try to be more understanding
2. talk it though without yelling empathizing with child
3. listen
4. try to help the child understand why it is important while being open
5. be open
6. help them see how their actions could be hurting other people's feelings
my son is autistic so he sometimes can't understand why we have to spend time doing things he doesn't like doing we talk it though and i usually try to help him understand
my daughter asked me to open something because hers had fallen on the floor it helped me to understand her even though she was annoying me
sometimes you have to have comversations with people that are important but uncomfortable
I know some will disagree with this; but there is good evidence that for many, diet/nutrition can/will make a difference.
I will not say that sugar causes glycogen storage disease/ diabetes and other problems because it does not; but for some it can have an affect on behaviors. So, I recommend avoiding refined sugar and corn syrup. Eat as natural of a diet as possible.
Also provide as much structure as possible. Same time for meals every day. Same time to bed. Same time getting up. Decrease distractions in his environment (decrease the number of things that will grab his attention away from what he needs to focus on). When you give him an instruction, gently tough him on the shoulder or arm or gently grasp his shoulder or arm to help him focus on you. and video games are horrible for autistic children
wow peoples reactions were priceless and i seemed to be more in charge of situations especially with my kids
It us interesting learning the different problems and the solutions for thm.
It is interesting to learn the problems and solutions for listening skills. Interesting to find where i fit in with it all.
I usecacvtive listening. In woirking wiuth the public you have to bve aware of that. It really does make a difference in how you interact with them.
I use active listening skills on a daily basis. You have to when you work with the public. It really does make a difference.
I am a mother of two boys. I need to work on times management and setting boundaries.
I am the Mommy to a teenager, toddler & infant...ALL GIRLS :) Active listening can be hard when each of your children are at different stages in their development. My teenager uses CRITICAL LISTENING, and I hope she did not learn that from me! I am very guilty of pseudo listening and selective listening with my little ones and my Husband. I strive to not only listen to what my children tell me, but react with supportive and positive reinforcement. It is also crucial to be able to "read in between the lines". For example, each time my toddler had a potty accident she would say "Sorry!" and run off to her room. My husband thought it was because she was embarrassed, but as a Mommy, I knew she felt guilty for doing pee pee on the floor. When I went into her room, she threw her arms around me and said, "Mommy, it's MY FAULT. I so sorry!". I snuggled her and assured her that when accidents happen they are NO ONES FAULT. She looked up at me and said, "So I am a GOOD GIRL!?!". That's right my sweet little one, you are a very GOOD GIRL!
The Active Listening Skills were very helpful to break down. Since my girls have such a variance in ages, I need to focus on which listening skills will be most effective for each member of my family. For example, when communicating with my precious Baby Zoey, I struggle with no getting distracted. I also interrupt her too much so that I can correct a word she is saying, which I am learning in this course is not the best approach to active and successful listening. Its important with a teenager that you are not distracted by using a computer or watching TV. Teenagers need EYE CONTACT to build confidence that their opinions matter. Furthermore, teenagers want to know that they have been HEARD & UNDERSTOOD. Paraphrasing her story will assure her that i was listening and she is understood. My Husband on the other hand, can't stand when he's interrupted :)
Crucial Confrontations was a great educational clip, which I learned how to successfully talk to my children about issues that are very difficult. I loved the concept of having a "risky" conversation does NOT mean its going to be a BAD conversation. In fact, if you start with the formula given and truly commit yourself to helping the other person to know you care ABOUT THEM - 97% Chance of a positive outcome. I like those odds! Step 2. Caring about the person's problem, this goes without saying when I am speaking with all three of my children. I do believe my kids know I care about their problems, because I advocate for them when appropriate.
I read an article, "Explaining Overdose to Children". I learned there are many factors to consider. These include the children's ages and how much prior knowledge they have regarding this topic. My teenager finds great support at ALATEEN meetings. My younger two babies will most likely ask some day about the disease of addiction. I really enjoyed the "kid friendly" definition. Describing an invisible disease is much harder than explaining a broken ankle, since the child cannot see the boo-boo's. It's best to tell them it is a disease on the INSIDE of the body, that can make some people think they need more medicine than they actually do.
I enjoyed watching the 4 Magic Phrases to Respond to Anything! When I picked up my daughter from school, I practiced the line..."That's interesting, tell me more". She LOVED it and felt very supported. It also allowed me to pause and keep my emotional regulation in check for whatever she was going to tell me next :) Sometimes our teenagers can throw us curveballs and Ive learned that if we can keep the emotions regulated, you will then be able to explore conflict resolution!
The 10 Body Language Mistakes. Number 4 was 'Enter A Room Tentatively' and number 5 'taking baby steps instead of long, confident strides". I was able to practice this when I recently decided to leave my career in mortgage banking to open Good Harbor Beach Recovery Services. It was dreading going into the office to drop off my home office equipment. I did not want my colleagues to try and talk me into staying in the mortgage biz, as my heart is now set on a new path. I flung open the front office door and took LONG, CONFIDENT STRIDES to my Regional Managers Office. Not one person I feared would give me a hard time did :) I took control of my entire office by simply changing the way I entered. I was empowering and a huge life lesson.
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