DIFFICULT DISCUSSIONS WITH PARENTS - MONEY - BEHAVIOR - DISABILITY + ABUSE AND NEGLECT
Please ask questions and make comments below.
Friday, July 26, 2013
DIFFICULT DISCUSSIONS WITH PARENTS - MONEY - BEHAVIOR - DISABILITY + ABUSE AND NEGLECT
This is the place for questions and comments for:
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Another way to respond to (deal with) tantrums
The typical and recommended response to a tantrum is to ignore it whenever possible. This can be very effective when consistent. There are two potential problems with ignoring tantrums.
1. It can be difficult to be consistent across all settings and with all people.
2. There are times when there are safety concerns and it can not be ignored.
There are other ways to respond to tantrums which in some situations can be more effective and produce quicker positive results. With this said, one intervention does not work best for either all parents or interventionists or with all children or clients.
Many years ago I worked in an institution. During that time I spent some time working with a group of young adult men with sever developmental and behavioral problems. There was one young man who, when he would get upset and throw a tantrum, he would tear his clothes, throw beds and at times even tear sinks off the wall.
One day he started into a tantrum, I do not remember why, and he started screaming and tearing his shirt. I’m not sure what caused me to respond in this way, but I started yelling and also tearing his shirt. He immediately stopped with a shocked look on his face and mumbled the question “are you crazy?” That was the end of the tantrum.
Another time I was with a young man (about 10 years old) who was very upset because he wasn’t able to go on an outing (this was a consequence for his behavior). He was swearing and complaining about one particular staff member. I listened and then suggested that we write it all down. He just responded “naw” and that was the end of the tantrum. We of course discussed what got him to that point and on a long term basis worked on skills that would help to avoid the same problem. On another occasion a young girl (about 6 or 7) started throwing a tantrum in a clinic setting (screaming, kicking). I told her that she wasn’t doing a very good job of throwing a tantrum and that I could throw a better one. Which I did. There were two or three other adults in the room with us who joined in on the act, each trying to out do the other. She never threw a tantrum in front of me again.
My grandson is another example. He is almost four years old and had started throwing tantrums. The first time he did it I responded by saying “that’s just not working for me, why don’t you try….” I would then suggest different things like hitting the couch or stomping his feet a little harder and lying down and kicking his legs. Each time I would respond and say, “nope, that’s still not doing it for me” and suggest something else. Before very long at all he had given up. I believe I did it with him one other time and that has been it. More recently he thought screaming might work on me so I took him to a room, there were some other interesting things in the room but I wouldn’t let him play with them because our purpose was to scream REALLY loud and long. I told him we were here to scream and to go head, he said “no thank you.” He did not get to play with the things in the room but returned to what we had been doing instead.
Here’s the point for tantrums, another possible alternative. Ratchet it up, take it to the next step, perhaps even a challenge, and participate in the tantrum without becoming overly anxious. Make sure the person is safe. (Generally the head is where I am most concerned. You do not want to allow something that may cause damage to the child such as banging a head against the wall. There can also be other areas of concerns.) You can also redirect to safer ways to tantrum. Instead of ignoring, turn it into a game, such as a stomping contest.
Address what brought the child or person to this point in an appropriate and positive manner.
1. It can be difficult to be consistent across all settings and with all people.
2. There are times when there are safety concerns and it can not be ignored.
There are other ways to respond to tantrums which in some situations can be more effective and produce quicker positive results. With this said, one intervention does not work best for either all parents or interventionists or with all children or clients.
Many years ago I worked in an institution. During that time I spent some time working with a group of young adult men with sever developmental and behavioral problems. There was one young man who, when he would get upset and throw a tantrum, he would tear his clothes, throw beds and at times even tear sinks off the wall.
One day he started into a tantrum, I do not remember why, and he started screaming and tearing his shirt. I’m not sure what caused me to respond in this way, but I started yelling and also tearing his shirt. He immediately stopped with a shocked look on his face and mumbled the question “are you crazy?” That was the end of the tantrum.
Another time I was with a young man (about 10 years old) who was very upset because he wasn’t able to go on an outing (this was a consequence for his behavior). He was swearing and complaining about one particular staff member. I listened and then suggested that we write it all down. He just responded “naw” and that was the end of the tantrum. We of course discussed what got him to that point and on a long term basis worked on skills that would help to avoid the same problem. On another occasion a young girl (about 6 or 7) started throwing a tantrum in a clinic setting (screaming, kicking). I told her that she wasn’t doing a very good job of throwing a tantrum and that I could throw a better one. Which I did. There were two or three other adults in the room with us who joined in on the act, each trying to out do the other. She never threw a tantrum in front of me again.
My grandson is another example. He is almost four years old and had started throwing tantrums. The first time he did it I responded by saying “that’s just not working for me, why don’t you try….” I would then suggest different things like hitting the couch or stomping his feet a little harder and lying down and kicking his legs. Each time I would respond and say, “nope, that’s still not doing it for me” and suggest something else. Before very long at all he had given up. I believe I did it with him one other time and that has been it. More recently he thought screaming might work on me so I took him to a room, there were some other interesting things in the room but I wouldn’t let him play with them because our purpose was to scream REALLY loud and long. I told him we were here to scream and to go head, he said “no thank you.” He did not get to play with the things in the room but returned to what we had been doing instead.
Here’s the point for tantrums, another possible alternative. Ratchet it up, take it to the next step, perhaps even a challenge, and participate in the tantrum without becoming overly anxious. Make sure the person is safe. (Generally the head is where I am most concerned. You do not want to allow something that may cause damage to the child such as banging a head against the wall. There can also be other areas of concerns.) You can also redirect to safer ways to tantrum. Instead of ignoring, turn it into a game, such as a stomping contest.
Address what brought the child or person to this point in an appropriate and positive manner.
I wanted to add one thing to our tantrum discussion, it's not just that the child may be worn out, but children are smart, even children with disabilities are smarter than we often give them credit and they quickly learn that there's just no leverage in the tantrum, with adults who react in this way. It's more like, "hey this adult just doesn't get it, no use trying it on him or her any more."
It's similar to some of Milton Erickson's techniques where he just wouldn't get flustered and would actually jump right into the drama with the client. He believed that it wasn't his job to turn people around, just move them out of their entrenched trance by a degree or two and then allow them to figure it out and "right" themselves.
Another way to respond to (deal with) tantrums
The typical and recommended response to a tantrum is to ignore it whenever possible. This can be very effective when consistent. There are two potential problems with ignoring tantrums.
1. It can be difficult to be consistent across all settings and with all people.
2. There are times when there are safety concerns and it can not be ignored.
There are other ways to respond to tantrums which in some situations can be more effective and produce quicker positive results. With this said, one intervention does not work best for either all parents or interventionists or with all children or clients.
Many years ago I worked in an institution. During that time I spent some time working with a group of young adult men with sever developmental and behavioral problems. There was one young man who, when he would get upset and throw a tantrum, he would tear his clothes, throw beds and at times even tear sinks off the wall.
One day he started into a tantrum, I do not remember why, and he started screaming and tearing his shirt. I’m not sure what caused me to respond in this way, but I started yelling and also tearing his shirt. He immediately stopped with a shocked look on his face and mumbled the question “are you crazy?” That was the end of the tantrum.
Another time I was with a young man (about 10 years old) who was very upset because he wasn’t able to go on an outing (this was a consequence for his behavior). He was swearing and complaining about one particular staff member. I listened and then suggested that we write it all down. He just responded “naw” and that was the end of the tantrum. We of course discussed what got him to that point and on a long term basis worked on skills that would help to avoid the same problem. On another occasion a young girl (about 6 or 7) started throwing a tantrum in a clinic setting (screaming, kicking). I told her that she wasn’t doing a very good job of throwing a tantrum and that I could throw a better one. Which I did. There were two or three other adults in the room with us who joined in on the act, each trying to out do the other. She never threw a tantrum in front of me again.
My grandson is another example. He is almost four years old and had started throwing tantrums. The first time he did it I responded by saying “that’s just not working for me, why don’t you try….” I would then suggest different things like hitting the couch or stomping his feet a little harder and lying down and kicking his legs. Each time I would respond and say, “nope, that’s still not doing it for me” and suggest something else. Before very long at all he had given up. I believe I did it with him one other time and that has been it. More recently he thought screaming might work on me so I took him to a room, there were some other interesting things in the room but I wouldn’t let him play with them because our purpose was to scream REALLY loud and long. I told him we were here to scream and to go head, he said “no thank you.” He did not get to play with the things in the room but returned to what we had been doing instead.
Here’s the point for tantrums, another possible alternative. Ratchet it up, take it to the next step, perhaps even a challenge, and participate in the tantrum without becoming overly anxious. Make sure the person is safe. (Generally the head is where I am most concerned. You do not want to allow something that may cause damage to the child such as banging a head against the wall. There can also be other areas of concerns.) You can also redirect to safer ways to tantrum. Instead of ignoring, turn it into a game, such as a stomping contest.
Address what brought the child or person to this point in an appropriate and positive manner.
1. It can be difficult to be consistent across all settings and with all people.
2. There are times when there are safety concerns and it can not be ignored.
There are other ways to respond to tantrums which in some situations can be more effective and produce quicker positive results. With this said, one intervention does not work best for either all parents or interventionists or with all children or clients.
Many years ago I worked in an institution. During that time I spent some time working with a group of young adult men with sever developmental and behavioral problems. There was one young man who, when he would get upset and throw a tantrum, he would tear his clothes, throw beds and at times even tear sinks off the wall.
One day he started into a tantrum, I do not remember why, and he started screaming and tearing his shirt. I’m not sure what caused me to respond in this way, but I started yelling and also tearing his shirt. He immediately stopped with a shocked look on his face and mumbled the question “are you crazy?” That was the end of the tantrum.
Another time I was with a young man (about 10 years old) who was very upset because he wasn’t able to go on an outing (this was a consequence for his behavior). He was swearing and complaining about one particular staff member. I listened and then suggested that we write it all down. He just responded “naw” and that was the end of the tantrum. We of course discussed what got him to that point and on a long term basis worked on skills that would help to avoid the same problem. On another occasion a young girl (about 6 or 7) started throwing a tantrum in a clinic setting (screaming, kicking). I told her that she wasn’t doing a very good job of throwing a tantrum and that I could throw a better one. Which I did. There were two or three other adults in the room with us who joined in on the act, each trying to out do the other. She never threw a tantrum in front of me again.
My grandson is another example. He is almost four years old and had started throwing tantrums. The first time he did it I responded by saying “that’s just not working for me, why don’t you try….” I would then suggest different things like hitting the couch or stomping his feet a little harder and lying down and kicking his legs. Each time I would respond and say, “nope, that’s still not doing it for me” and suggest something else. Before very long at all he had given up. I believe I did it with him one other time and that has been it. More recently he thought screaming might work on me so I took him to a room, there were some other interesting things in the room but I wouldn’t let him play with them because our purpose was to scream REALLY loud and long. I told him we were here to scream and to go head, he said “no thank you.” He did not get to play with the things in the room but returned to what we had been doing instead.
Here’s the point for tantrums, another possible alternative. Ratchet it up, take it to the next step, perhaps even a challenge, and participate in the tantrum without becoming overly anxious. Make sure the person is safe. (Generally the head is where I am most concerned. You do not want to allow something that may cause damage to the child such as banging a head against the wall. There can also be other areas of concerns.) You can also redirect to safer ways to tantrum. Instead of ignoring, turn it into a game, such as a stomping contest.
Address what brought the child or person to this point in an appropriate and positive manner.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Response to: CHILD BEHAVIOR: Why does s/he do that? And what can I do about it?
From time to time I will post some excellent comments/papers by people who have taken a course. This one is by Kelly Catt
I appreciate this article because it provides a variety of insights into the
reasons for a child’s behavior. I especially liked the examples of how to manipulate a
child’s behavior by changing the environment – turning off the lights to move a child
out of a room etc. Also, the child’s physical needs must be addressed; the children I
care for range in age from 8 months to 3 years of age and I am reminded that these
children need sleep in a desperate way! Many times parents will tell me about their
weekend outings and the tantrum that accompanied the trip. With further
questioning I discover that the outing was planned during the child’s nap time.
Children who are not rested don’t have the emotional reserves to deal with
disappointment or frustration! The article discussed a child’s behavior getting them
something desirable. I have seen this dynamic in the children who I care for. Many
times, a child will whine to get something because this is how they are used to
operating at home, but I have found that, as a provider, I should never give into
whining because it perpetuates the problem! As early as possible I teach babies sign
language and the most important signs to learn to prevent whining are “please” and
“help.” After the child learns these signs, I can encourage the child to “ask nicely”
rather than whining. This works so well! Parents love this strategy too, because it
gives them a way out of whining rather than just getting frustrated.
The article also mentioned that laughing at inappropriate behavior is common. I
agree and have seen the results of this interaction between parent and child. The
children don’t know that they are doing something inappropriate, so they continue in
the behavior.
I especially like the section about finding a consequence that is more punishing or
more rewarding (the example of the boy in church). This has caused me to rethink
my disciplining strategies. Often, one little boy will ask to be put into time-out, and
I probably need to reevaluate his discipline if he is asking for it! This article has
encouraged me to ask the question “what is this child getting out of this behavior?”
Often times, in a childcare setting, it is easy to just react to a behavior issue, but this
article has encouraged me to rethink my discipline strategies and consider what the
child is actually getting out of the negative behavior. Then, I can more fully
understand why the child is displaying the behavior. Also, I really liked this link:
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=43.
It was very helpful and I will pass it on to the parents who I work with.
To make the article better, I would recommend enlarging the font to 12 pts through
out the article. The small font is very difficult to read. Also, I would recommend
more hands-on examples of behavioral issues in the classroom and at home. I have
found that when parents and caregivers are responding in the same way to a child’s
negative behaviors, the child will more quickly change their behavior. Another
recommendation is to include more links specific to the childcare setting – perhaps
there is a blog which allows caregivers to interact and exchange ideas and strategies
to help kids.
I appreciate this article because it provides a variety of insights into the
reasons for a child’s behavior. I especially liked the examples of how to manipulate a
child’s behavior by changing the environment – turning off the lights to move a child
out of a room etc. Also, the child’s physical needs must be addressed; the children I
care for range in age from 8 months to 3 years of age and I am reminded that these
children need sleep in a desperate way! Many times parents will tell me about their
weekend outings and the tantrum that accompanied the trip. With further
questioning I discover that the outing was planned during the child’s nap time.
Children who are not rested don’t have the emotional reserves to deal with
disappointment or frustration! The article discussed a child’s behavior getting them
something desirable. I have seen this dynamic in the children who I care for. Many
times, a child will whine to get something because this is how they are used to
operating at home, but I have found that, as a provider, I should never give into
whining because it perpetuates the problem! As early as possible I teach babies sign
language and the most important signs to learn to prevent whining are “please” and
“help.” After the child learns these signs, I can encourage the child to “ask nicely”
rather than whining. This works so well! Parents love this strategy too, because it
gives them a way out of whining rather than just getting frustrated.
The article also mentioned that laughing at inappropriate behavior is common. I
agree and have seen the results of this interaction between parent and child. The
children don’t know that they are doing something inappropriate, so they continue in
the behavior.
I especially like the section about finding a consequence that is more punishing or
more rewarding (the example of the boy in church). This has caused me to rethink
my disciplining strategies. Often, one little boy will ask to be put into time-out, and
I probably need to reevaluate his discipline if he is asking for it! This article has
encouraged me to ask the question “what is this child getting out of this behavior?”
Often times, in a childcare setting, it is easy to just react to a behavior issue, but this
article has encouraged me to rethink my discipline strategies and consider what the
child is actually getting out of the negative behavior. Then, I can more fully
understand why the child is displaying the behavior. Also, I really liked this link:
http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=43.
It was very helpful and I will pass it on to the parents who I work with.
To make the article better, I would recommend enlarging the font to 12 pts through
out the article. The small font is very difficult to read. Also, I would recommend
more hands-on examples of behavioral issues in the classroom and at home. I have
found that when parents and caregivers are responding in the same way to a child’s
negative behaviors, the child will more quickly change their behavior. Another
recommendation is to include more links specific to the childcare setting – perhaps
there is a blog which allows caregivers to interact and exchange ideas and strategies
to help kids.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Understanding Your Child's Behavior
From time to time when I find a good article I will reference it here. Because I am concerned about honesty and plagiarism, I will not copy the entire article, I will only reference it (with a link) and provide the first paragraph so you can decide if it is something you want to read. Please come back here to discuss and add questions.
Pete
Here is the first one. It is really a pretty good article.
Understanding Your Child's Behavior
Posted by: Rosemary Plybon Created: 5/18/2009 8:18:50 AM Updated: 5/19/2009 7:52:27 AM
Greensboro, NC -- We know that child behavior is best understood as an interaction between the child and the environment. Some children do well in particular surroundings, while other children need different supports in order to manage their behavior. Also, children of different ages are able to manage their behavior in different ways.
Pete
Here is the first one. It is really a pretty good article.
Understanding Your Child's Behavior
Posted by: Rosemary Plybon Created: 5/18/2009 8:18:50 AM Updated: 5/19/2009 7:52:27 AM
Greensboro, NC -- We know that child behavior is best understood as an interaction between the child and the environment. Some children do well in particular surroundings, while other children need different supports in order to manage their behavior. Also, children of different ages are able to manage their behavior in different ways.
What is behavior?
We are always behaving. Sometimes our behavior is more appropriate than it is at other times but we are always behaving. When we talk about child behavior we need to keep this in context. Everything a child does is a behavior.
With that said, we need to understand a few things.
First, we need to understand typical and appropriate child behavior. Recently I was reviewing some paperwork from a provider of services for children with disabilities. The provider made the statement that this particular child (who was three) did not have a good understanding of safety issues in the community. I have a three year old grandson. We have a trampoline in our yard. If he had his way, he would run outside and get up on the trampoline by himself (of course he is very bright and can even move things around so he can have something to climb up on to get onto the trampoline). We don't let him get on the trampoline without someone watching, we don't let him out in the yard by himself. We don't even let him go into some parts of the house by himself. He is a typical three year old, and he doesn't understand safety concerns in the community either. Shoot, there are a lot of teenagers who don't have a good understanding of safety concerns. (unfortunately there are some adults who don't either)
Second, there is a reason behind all behavior. Often when the behavior is inappropriate, if we can discover the reason, we can teach a more appropriate way to help the child get their needs met.
Third, we need to understand a child's needs. What are they really after. For example, sometimes I eat too much when I am stressed. In those situations, is food my real need? No!
Someone recently wrote to me about a child who wants to be put into time out. Obviously that is not a good punishment for the child, if the child wants that opportunity, but then the question is "what is the child getting out of time out?" Does the child need some quiet, alone time? Has the child become over stimulated? Obviously I don't know the answer because I don't know the child or enough about the situation; however, there is more to it that meets the eye so to speak.
When you use this forum for discussion, please do not include the name of the child or parents or even enough information that someone else might be able to identify the child. Please just leave enough information about the situation so that we can discuss and perhaps find some helpful solutions.
Pete
With that said, we need to understand a few things.
First, we need to understand typical and appropriate child behavior. Recently I was reviewing some paperwork from a provider of services for children with disabilities. The provider made the statement that this particular child (who was three) did not have a good understanding of safety issues in the community. I have a three year old grandson. We have a trampoline in our yard. If he had his way, he would run outside and get up on the trampoline by himself (of course he is very bright and can even move things around so he can have something to climb up on to get onto the trampoline). We don't let him get on the trampoline without someone watching, we don't let him out in the yard by himself. We don't even let him go into some parts of the house by himself. He is a typical three year old, and he doesn't understand safety concerns in the community either. Shoot, there are a lot of teenagers who don't have a good understanding of safety concerns. (unfortunately there are some adults who don't either)
Second, there is a reason behind all behavior. Often when the behavior is inappropriate, if we can discover the reason, we can teach a more appropriate way to help the child get their needs met.
Third, we need to understand a child's needs. What are they really after. For example, sometimes I eat too much when I am stressed. In those situations, is food my real need? No!
Someone recently wrote to me about a child who wants to be put into time out. Obviously that is not a good punishment for the child, if the child wants that opportunity, but then the question is "what is the child getting out of time out?" Does the child need some quiet, alone time? Has the child become over stimulated? Obviously I don't know the answer because I don't know the child or enough about the situation; however, there is more to it that meets the eye so to speak.
When you use this forum for discussion, please do not include the name of the child or parents or even enough information that someone else might be able to identify the child. Please just leave enough information about the situation so that we can discuss and perhaps find some helpful solutions.
Pete
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)